Monday, 28 January 2013

A Bollywood Party - Inside story!

9.30 P.M. Bollywood Party at Taj Mumbai, Host Producer biggie Bharat Bhai Shah
Indian and Russian girls are jumping around in skimpiest of clothes to the beats of Songs like Om-Shanti-Om, I hate you-Like I love You, Munni Badnaam Hui etc. by turn!



(In a corner)

MUNNA BHAI: Bole toh, mast party diya hai Maamu. Kya atmosphere hai yaar Baayi God!

BHARAT SHAH: Thank you, thank you Munna bhai, Injaay haan? Injaay!

SAIFU (eyeing Russian beauties around): WOW! Arey yaar party toh waqaui mast hai, No really! I mean it yaar! Wow! Wow! Wow!

SALLU (Smirks with disgust): Abey O! Bhow-Bhow bas kar yaar. Hunhhh! Same crowd, same people! (Points to Russian dance group)-------------------yehi toh thhi Natasha, Oxana, Larissa---------------sab Main Karoon toh Saala, Character Dheela Hai waali dancers. Poore 16 din ke shooting schedule mein saath thhi-----------Kucchh naya Maal naheen, huttt!Angry

MUNNA BHAI: Bole toh, tere liye wohich puraana maal hai naa Maamu, apun ke liye toh jhakaas hai baap-----------(slaps Saifu's palm)------boley toh Sollid---hahahaha

SAIFU: Wow--------Munna bhai, WOW!Clap

AMIR ENTERS!



SALLU (Rolls up his eyes & mutters under his breath to Saifu-----------aa gaya Saala Mr. Perfectionist------------pakaayega yaar ye abhi------------Saifu suppreses his giggle AND THEN)-------

Sallu moves forward & gives a bone crushing hug to Aamir): Aamir bhaai---------kaise ho meri jaan?

AAMIR (Wriggles out of the tightest hug received ever & pants like an exhausted puppy): O Teri! Sallu, jaan lega kya------------(pants)---------Abey!------Oye--------O teri!!!Shocked

SALLU: Dekh bhai, apun ka toh aisa hi hai------------jo dil mein, wohi jubaan pe-----Love you boss! Love you haan?

AAMIR: O Teri---------abhi main kya bolta hoon--------------dheere bol yaar. Dheere bol----Dheere---EK DUM DHEERE!------------kisi Press waale ne sun liya toh KJo-SRK ke baad-------------Aamir-Sallu next talk of town----------O teri---------naa yaar----------NAA!Ouch

SAIFU (Shouts & Laughs): WOW!Clap-------------hahahaha-----------WOW---------KJo-SRK ke baad Aamir-Sallu----------WOW-------WOW-----WOW!Tongue

AAMIR: Abey chuppp-------chuppp-------ekdum chuppp! Shhh!

SALLU (Surveys around & flicks his shirt collar up): Abey proper Gujju party hai kya? Daaroo-Shaaroo ka intezam naheen hai kya B.C.?

BHARAT SHAH (Pops up out of no where):Big smile hehehe-----------kya baat karta hai Nee Sallu bhai? ---------------Adey, Sharaab ki toh nadiyaan hai nee---------Blackk Labelll, Blooo Labelll, Reddd Labelll, Cheeevaas Rigalll-----------Champaagane---------aap aawaaz toh karo nee--------------

SAIFU (Bursts out laughing): WOW---------Champaagane---------hahahaha, kamaal hai aapka Bharat Bhai---------OK, Cheeevaas Rigalll-----------hahahaha--------ok ok---------Chivas Regal pila dijiye----------

(In the meanwhile on stereo, classics like LAAGA CHUNRI MEIN DAAG are being played in background to horror beats in name of re-mix and Chaddi clad babes are dancing around-------------obviously none has a clue what Chunri is----------)Confused

MUNNABHAI: Apun ko toh Old Monk Do Bharat bhai, yaa phir Triple XXX Rum!--------Ye Saala Scotch-Wotch apun ko ekdum suit naheen karti----------Kya Aamir? Old Monk chalega tere ko?

AAMIR (Raises his hand like a traffic cop): Actually---------NAHEEN CHALEGA. Abhi main kya bolta hoon-----------------Alcohol Liver ko Pareshan karti hai, Kidneys ko Hairaan kartee hai aur Dimaag ko Shaitaan karti hai-------------fruit juice se bhi, pure mineral water is best---------haan--------------BEST! EK healthy aadmi ko din mein paanch------------------paanch, haan Paanch liter paani peena chaahiye! Kam se kam--------haan! 5 Liters. YES!

SALLU (Mutters under his breath----): Abey Pakau, kitna pakaayega? Paani piyega--------phir Susu karega----- 5 Liters ---------hunhhhAngry

AAMIR (smilingly looks at Sallu): Aye Sallu-------------Tu mere se kucchh bola kya? Hain?

SALLU: Haan, Satyamev Jayate Aamir bhai-----------------(turns to Bharat Shah)- Bharat Bhai, Baba ke liye Old Monk, Saifu aur Mere Liye Chivas Regal aur Aamir ke liye Bis-------Bis-------le---------(spots SRK walking in-----------and with disgust in face completes')------------BISLERI----------BISLERI mangwaaiye please!Smile

SRK ENTERS, BLOWING KISSES LEFT, RIGHT & CENTER--------------------AS IF ALL INSIDERS ARE FANS WAITING OUTSIDE HIS BUNGALOW & HE JUST SURFACED AT MANNAT'S BALCONY!

SRK (Long Goat bleat----------):-----------Heyyy!-----------Heyyy!-------------Heyyy guys------------Ummm!---------Ummm!

Munna Bhai hugs SRK followed by Saifu-------------SRK & Aamir size each other up & reluctantly Aamir extends his right hand and they shake hands. Cameras around go crazy!

SRK's hateful gaze meets fiery eyes of a visibly angry Sallu for a brief split second that seems like eternity to all around----------and then--------

SRK (brisk shake of head towards his left shoulder): Hunhhh! Hunnnhhh!!!!!

SALLU (brisk shake of head towards his right shoulder):  Chheee-------Thhooo!



10.45 P.M. (ALL ARE P. K. TUNNN--------PISS DRUNK---------except Aamir who is taking maza with all by turn)

AAMIR: Munna Bhai---------------kya mast picture banaaye bhaai----------maza aa gaya aapko AGNEEPATH mein dekh ke Sir------------

MUNNA BHAI (Stretches Red eyes upwards, smiling all the time and stammers): Hey, Hey! Hahahaha! Aaya? Aaya na maza? Hey hey hey hey--------------------Magar tu Dhobi Ghat kya samajh ke banaya baap? Boley toh, Biwi ne Dhobi ka Kutta bana diya-------------Na ghar ka na ghaat ka-----------hey hey hey hey!

SAIFU (hysterically laughs): Aaah-hahahaha WOW-WOW, ClapDhobi ka Doggy..WOW-------------WOW! (Suddenly breaks down and starts sobbing uncontrollably)-----Biwi ne-----sob---Biwi ne---sob-sob-sob-sniff-sniff-sob!

SRK (Drunk goat bleating now): Heyyy! Naaa! Hmmm------NAAA! Heyyy! Naaa Saifu naa------------arey kis kambakht ne tera dil toda hai-------------------hua kya Saifu bol---------bol apne bhai ko Saifu!

AAMIR (Suppressing smile somehow): O Teri! Ye toh ro raha hai yaar. Kasam se! HE IS CRYING YAAR!--------O teri----Oye! Kya hua?Tongue

SAIFU (Drunk, emotional & stammering in a choking voice): Beybo!-------------Bebo ne dil toda mera Aamir---Bebo ne bhaai---(breaks down and cries uncontrollably now).Cry

AAMIR (Suppressing smile): O teri! Kya? Kab? Kaise oye?

SAIFU (Sobbing): Baar baar mera dimaag khaati thhi bhai ------------------Davidoff ka perfume lagaya karo, ----------------Davidoffka perfume lagaya karo-------------Arey yaar main Hugo Boss ka perfume lagata hoon---------Givenchy ki fragrance like karta hoon-----------Cry

SRK (surprised looks): Heyyy-------------mmm----------------toh? ---------Ismein kya problem hai? Perfume badal le Saifu, Bebo is a good girl! -------------dekha maine Ra-One mein---I swear haan---I swear Saifu!!Smile

SAIFU (Crying): Khaak good girl Shahrukh bhai.----------------Aaj maine Stardust mein uska interview dekha yaar-------------Favourite perfume mein usne---------us kameene ne bola Davidoff yaar. -----------Jee karta hai usko bhi jaan se maar doon aur Bebo ko bhi--------(cries aloud)!Cry

MUNNA BHAI (Piss drunk): Usne bole toh kisne yaar? Kisne? Haan? (Screams)--------Kisne???

SAIFU (Scared): Aahista bolo Munna bhai---------------(pause)-----------arey usi kameene Shahid Kapoor ne yaar. Uska favourite perfume hai Davidoff-------------aur ye-----------aur ye Bebo-----saala Boyfriend badal liya par perfume wohi chaahiye B.C. WOHI DAVIDOFF CHAHIYE USKO!!Cry  



SALLU: LOL hahahahaha. Puraane boyfriend waala perfume pasand hai madam ko-----------------hunnnhhh, ---------abbey tum log ladkiyon se itna darte kyun ho? --------------MERI TARAH LAAT KYUN NAHEEN MAARTE UNKO?---------- Hain? Laat kyun naheen maarte?Angry

SRK: Heyy---------ummm-----------Jo ladkiyon ko laat maarey, use naamard kehte hain-----------ummm------------------Angry

SALLU (Mocking): aur jo Ladkiyon ki din-raat Laat khaaye------use Baazigar?Dead ABEY CHUPP!

SRK (Angry as hell now): Shut up Sallu------------------Shut up---------------------Iske aage ek lafz bhi kaha toh mera haath uth jaayega---------------ummm-----------ummm!

SALLU (Continues Mocking): Abey Jaa Jaa! Payr tere theek se zameen par naheen pad rahe, haath kya uthayega tu-----------??Wink

There is a silence of few seconds and obviously someone doesn't like it and jumps in!

AAMIR: O Teri---------------Shahrukh, Sallu bol raha hai aap mein himmat naheen hai haath uthane ki----------------

SRK: Sallu main maar doonga-----------main sach mein maar doonga haan?? Ummm?? Mmm???



AAMIR: Naheen maar sakte! Sallu bol raha hai aap maar hi naheen sakte! Sallu bol raha hai Kaleja chaahiye maarne ke liye------O Teri---hain Sallu? Yehi bola naa tu?

SALLU: Aur kya? Abey main Karan Johar hoon kya?------------ Haath toh laga ke dikha!

AAMIR: O Teri. Sallu bol raha hai haath bhi naheen laga sakte isko----maarna toh door ki baat'O teri!Tongue

MUNNA BHAI (Drunk eye----smiling like laughing Buddha):  Saale Aamir---------------do Billiyon ki ladaayi mein faayda uthaane waale Bandar---------Saale Naarad Muni---!Wink

Saifu drags away Sallu------------------At some distance Aamir is seen gently pulling away SRK-----------------SRK is screaming at the top of his voice!

SRK (Screaming): Chhod de mujhe Aamir, Chhod de, jaan se maar doonga main aaj isko, Overgrown kid he is. I will kill him-----CHHOD MUJHE-----CHHOD---- ummm---heyyy'CHHODD!!!



AAMIR (Whispers): Wink Maine tujhe pakda hi kahaan hai------------maar de saale ko aaj--Main toh kehta hoon utha chaaku salad plate se aur ghusa de iske andar! Tongue

Bodyguards barge in and drag away their respective masters to their Mercs & BMWs!

Next editions of Stardust & Cine Blitz proclaim it as one of the most lavish parties thrown around in recent memory and carries pictures of these Bolly biggies hugging each other and playfully chatting and High-Fiving in pics!


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